annoyed, or even pissed off! dunno yet. I seem to not have an answer- i cant even seem to go with the flow. Sad either way, depressed either way...

hating two faced double standards people! fucking hope they get what they deserve!!

its not always that i complain about my family on here...actually thats a lie, its probably the reason why i write most of the posts! Im angry. Think i want to just lock everyone out of the house and tell then to Fuck off. I have issues. My biggest is with timing. Anyone who knows me and knows me well will know that usually my psycho nature only comes out when the clock in my head is disrupted in any way.

Are people just thick or can they not read time. Okay, i understand my family may not really know me and know that im obsessed with timing but they know i get crazy when things around me go wrong. If i were them i wouldnt eat the food i've cooked- they will drive me to poison every single one of them!! Is 1 months notice, constant texts atleast twice a week, even phone calls not enough for them to come on time, bring their gifts and just be civil?!! What the fuck is wrong with people?!

feel like putting the stuff in the bin.

Time and patience

I got told! Wonder who created time? What i meant by that was why create time when people dont follow it anyway?! Allah decided to answer that question by messing up my 'monthly' cycle. Not really messing it up, as its in his hands anyway, but to mess up my obsession with being in control of my plans. This now means that i shall have to make up 10/11 fasts and hopefully the 6 nafl ones too!! Another month of fasting here i come!!

I have realised that im not a very patient person. Never have i had to be either. I am a loner so never really needed to wait for people or rely on anyone. But i think Allah is testing me. Sabr- a favourite word for many muslims. What the hell does it mean? Is there an opposite word for sabr, like 'getting a watch', or 'hurrying up' or 'not letting someone down'? Im only impatient because others around me make me become impatient- maybe it should be them who needs to buckle down and sort themselves out!!

A few more days of ramadhan left- not in the mood for Eid!

dont you just hate the feeling when you lose a sock? I wouldn't knw that feeling cos it never happens to me. Where does it go? Slightly obsessive but a few simple rules-

1) when putting the dirty sock into the dirty clothes basket, put it as a pair.
2) when putting into the machine make sure the pair is still together, then seperate before putting it in.
3) When taking out the sock, make sure there's a pair- or better still count all the socks and make sure there's an even number
4) when putting out to dry hang them together or if putting it on the radiator make sure all the socks live and dry in the same place, making sure there's an even number (OBSESSED!)
5) when taking the socks (a pair) from the radiator or outside, if you find one is missing just leave it there- that should be the place where all missing socks live.

All things have been created in pairs, even socks!

hating preachers

oh, how i hate them. also hate people who have too much to say. or have to say something for the sake of talking, or for being the centre of attention. I do however like those who can debate, or put some sort of semi-intelligent argument across. i say semi because my family are a bunch of dim-wits who dont really ever come up with anything intelligent to say.

unfortunately (or fortunately, as i like to see it) i have been born without any true feelings towards anyone or anything. not even attachment to anyone or anything. not even my 100 pairs earring collection surprisingly. I have also been given a personality like a zombie/ robot, not really caring what others feel around me. Non-empathic (if thats a word). Do i feel guilty? Not really. Cos for the rest of the population around me who are bothered by me can just go to others around me and get sympathy. I can fake ooh and aahhh, and "that's going to be ok"... just tell me what to say and i'll say it.

also dont get it when people say "im glad you came" when you attend their wedding, birthday or any other function. Are they really? They must really have a sad existence- glad i and the billion and one people came? If i wasnt there would they call and say i was sad that you didnt come? They obviously weren't sad, cos they were happy others came- or is it a percentage thing?!! So out of all the people who were invited half attended, so you're only half happy/ half sad? or do some people hold more of a percentage? So mothers and fathers make up 20% and siblings another 20%, aunts and uncles another 20%, and cousins another 20%...so really a random me would probably get 0.02%, and if we round that up its like 0%. So really its a dialogue people use. Note to oneself.

i've kind of gone off track. But think people should just keep their opinions to themselves. good or bad!! Wonder if peopel will have opinion in heaven? wonder if i can swear at them in heaven and not get punished? Wonder if i'll be going there at all. Supposedly im a bad muslim for not making salad. What is the world coming to. We can't even have personality if we're muslim- sheep!

i watch too much tv. Currently on my laptop watching CSI. Recently i've been watching a few on the BBC on their 'beauty' season. Alesha Dixon on airbrushing. If only they would create a digicam with an automatic airbrush option! Then there was a programme about the 11yr old Beauty Queen. Face plastered, bleached hair. The mother was a page three ho and was practically encouraging the daughter to do the same! What the hell is this world coming to? The mother wanted to give her daughter all the opportunities possible and thought my starting modelling early there was a better chance of getting into other stuff. She was 'on the shelf' when she started glamour modelling. The programme made me sick!

Talking of beauty, or even lack of, i've been meaning to get my hair cut for the past 6months. Its well overdue and the last time it was cut was nearly a year ago, meaning the hair cut is overdue by 9 months! Ooooh, new hip place opened near me so thought id go in for a hair consultation. If you know me there's only one thing i take pride in- my earrings! Apart from that i neither look after my face or my skin, let alone my hair!! The hairdressrs were mortified that all i wanted was a trim. im all up for jazzy hair cuts but to be honest i hardly ever brush my hair! A disconnected hair cut- whatever thats supposed to be?!! The women kept going on about doing something more to my hair. Apparently my hair is more likely to fall. Confused. My air is more likely to fall then girls who bleach, dye, dye again and again? My thoughts exactly. Booked the appointment anyway and came home.

when i came home i was angry for some reason. Thjink what ticked me off was the fact that i hate seeing 'fake' people on the streets. Alhamdullilah my parents never encouraged us to decorate our faces when going out or even to weddings. Dad hated make up and looked in disgust when we ever put any on. We didnt even go to the dinner tabel if we had nail varnish on. My mother doesn't even own lipstick! Girls nowadays are so caked on that its so hard to find girls who are naturally gorgeous! I wanna look as naturall as possible and dont want to look like all those other girls. My campaign to find beautiful girl starts here. Coleen watch out!!